Once again the big homey NC-17 is here to say the things you don't want anyone to know you think and to basically piss you off with something sort of like the truth.
As I search best buy for Taylor Swift’s Fearless CD, I walk through the Rap aisle. Maybe I’ll buy Fab’s Loso’s Way CD… nah that 12 dollars can go towards a bottle of Ciroc. Oooo look its Maino’s CD, I like Maino… not enough to spend 13.99. Okay I got a twenty in my wallet, and this is reserved for Taylor Swift, rap will have to wait until I’m in the mood… wait, when will I be in the mood to buy a hip hop album? Fuck when’s the last time I brought a hip hop album? Oh yeah, Eminem and it sucked. So here’s to you Miss Swift, I know you won’t have three good songs, some shitty skits, and mostly filler. You make hits, and my wallet respects that.
TOP FIVE RAPPERS WHO AREN’T RELEVANT ANYMORE
5) Cam’ron: Crime Pays came and went just as fast as the Will Ferrell movie, Land of The Lost. A soundscan disappointment is nothing new to Killa, Purple Haze and Killa Season both went double WOOD. Cam use to fresh, innovative, a breath of fresh air ready to usher in a Dipset nation. These days he’s a caricature of himself, the double rhyme pattern and pink have gone stale and what’s left is a humbled Cameron Giles who’s been forced to go recruit Ma$e in hopes of reclaiming past fame. Yeah he’s still my personal favorite of all time, but… um even a Cam fan as big as me didn’t bother to buy his last CD. OUCH.
4) Eminem: Let’s not try to sugar coat this… Relapse sucks ASS. Marshall I don’t care about your drug problems, your mother, Kim, or Christopher Reeves legs, this isn’t 1999 and the same old two step left a bad taste in my mouth like that sham wow guy after that hooker burned him. Stick with the Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon disses, that one track was more entertaining than the entire album.
3) Ludacris: Remember when Ludacris was fresh and exciting… yeah when George Bush and Al Gore were battling for the White house. Luda’s animated rhymes are as stimulating as a taser to the nuts, yeah you pay attention, but it hurts. We get it Luda; you can be just as lyrical as TI… Busta Rhymes could be just as lyrical as Biggie in his day. The point is, that’s not your lane. Your lane is making songs about asses that sound like the same shit you put out in the late 90’s. Innovation has left the building Chris.
2) Nas: I loved Hip Hop is Dead… Nigger not so much. I’m not going to verbally abuse Nas, he’s the rap version of Ted Williams, you love him at first, grew tired, loved him again after a bit of drama, then forgot he existed. Wow, when Nas dies people are going to make him a Saint and talk about his music with the utmost passion. Too bad he’s not dead yet.
1) Busta Rhymes: He sucks. Remember those remixes where Busta would come on and murder the track… yeah and I also remember when Titanic was the number one movie in America. Well, people have tossed Leo Dicaprio aside for that vampire on Twilight, and the world has tossed Busta Rhymes aside for anybody who isn’t Busta Rhymes. Don’t Gimmie some more… I'm full, thanks.
So who do I fuck with? Better question is who should you be fucking with and the winners are:
THE TOP TEN RELEVANT VOICES IN HIP HOP.
10) Andre 3000: Andre is a Rock Star, his disenfranchisement with Rap makes him even more sought after, each verse is examined over and over again because it’s so rare to hear one. If we ever hear a new “rap” CD from 3 stacks, I guarantee you it will be a masterpiece.
9) Pitbull: Do you listen to the Radio? Then you know Pitbull is in rotation on every station with a new song every two months. I can’t remember the last time I went a day without hearing an old or new Pitbull song. Does he put out albums? I doubt it, but who needs to when you get this many spins? All you “I bust my gun” rappers need to pay attention to the real Mr. M.I.A; he knows how to make a hit.
8) Soulja Boy: I know you hate him, but it doesn’t matter because he’s a better song writer than you are. The hardest thing in music, any genre, is to make something Catchy without being Corny. Soulja Boy knows the secret. Do you?
7) Nikki Minaj: Listen to Itty Biddy Piggy and name one person besides maybe Wayne that flows better than Nikki the Ninja aka Nikki The Harajuku Barbie. Hip Hop has been waiting for an heir to Kim’s throne since the night Biggie died and took his ghost writing with him. Not only has New York embraced Pretty Nikki, every girl fashions themselves a “minaj”, girl power exists, and if it’s honed properly this Barbie’s not too far from being something special.
6) Young Jeezy: Jeezy doesn’t have to rap again, like ever. He’s done for Southern Rap what Cobain did for Seattle music, even if you don’t own up to it, Jeezy is in your blood.
5) Drake: Talk about relevant, Drake hasn’t even dropped an album and could put more asses in seats than Jadakiss and The Game combined. Top that mixtape rappers.
4) Rick Ross: Boss. 50 claims to be bullet proof, but its Ricky Ross who is the real Teflon don. You can have a picture of Rick in a clown suit blowing up balloons at a Jewish Bat Mitzvah and he’d still have enough street cred to hit number one on the charts the next day. Is he really Rich off Cocaine? Who cares?
3) Jay Z: Remember when Obi Wan Kenobi was struck down on the first Death Star by Lord Vader and became stronger in death? I imagine Shawn Carter’s fate will be the same.
2) Gucci Mane: I will probably never buy a Gucci CD, well maybe if they have one of those Willy Wonka golden ticket contest and I get to visit a day in the Trap House where Ompa Lumpa’s cook crack and sing. But other than that, I won’t be paying money for Gucci Mane. But he’s taken swag and wit to another level, sure he’s more style than substance but so was the band Kiss, and people still pay to see them. Go ham Gucci, Go ham.
1) Lil Wayne: You don’t have to like him. But you will respect him. Little Wayne is the measuring stick for which everyone shall be measured until the next “great one” arrives. And that next “great one” will have studied the shit out of the Carter III, I guarantee.
**the thoughts expressed in this blog are that of the author and in no way reflect my personal opinion that Wayne is over-rated, Drake has the worst voice in rap since Chingy, Nicki Minaj hasn't done anything, gucci is an idiot, and that souja Boi is terrible.